Quit your bitching, cheeseheads!

I'm absolutely disgusted by the whining that Packer fans are doing over Thursday's game so I've decided to lay it on the line.

1. Cowboys had more first downs: 23 vs. Packers' 20
2. Cowboys had better 3rd down efficiency: 4/9 vs. Packers' 5/12
3. Cowboys had more total yards: 414 vs. Packers' 357
4. Cowboys had better completion percentage: 19/30 vs. Packers' combined 24/44
5. Cowboys averaged more yards per pass: 10.3 vs. Packers' combined 5.9
6. Cowboys had less yards lost on penalties: 10/65 vs. Packers' 9/142
7. Cowboys had less turnovers: 1 vs. Packers' 2
8. Cowboys averaged more yards per catch: 16.3 vs. Packers' 11.2
9. Cowboys had more sacks: 3 vs. Packers' 0
10. Cowboys had more kick return yards: 166 vs. Packers' 165
11. Cowboys averaged more yards per kick return: 27.7 vs. Packers' 20.6
12. Cowboys scored more points: 37 vs. Packers' 27

A few more points:

Bret Farve getting injured was probably the best thing that could've happened to the Packers; he was playing like shit and Aaron Rodgers played much better.

KGB and Woodson being out is a moot point; injuries are part of the game. I don't have any sympathy for you. We didn't have Newman or Henry for a few games and we could still win. Let's not forget, neither Newman or Henry are completely healthy, anyway. We're also still missing a star receiver (Terry Glenn) and offensive lineman (Jason Ferguson), so put the fucking violins away. Would the Packers' have performed better on defense if the two of them were healthy and in the game? Maybe, but that is completely irrelevant: they were hurt and they didn't play. WELCOME TO FOOTBALL.

That pass interference call that Packer fans won't stop bitching about might be questionable, but it was most certainly not a game-breaker. Are Packer fans implying that Romo and the boys wouldn't have marched down the field and gotten into the end-zone had that penalty not been called? Get real. It is impossible to know what would've happened had that penalty not been called; one can only assume. And based on how the Packers' defense wasn't able to stop the Cowboys' offense, it is a safe bet that the 'Boys would've ate up the field, AGAIN, and gotten at least another 3 points.

In closing:

You can keep talking all the shit you want and making all the excuses you want but nothing will change the fact that we played a better game and we beat you!

Good luck to you in the playoffs. You're going to need it.

God sucks at football

Remember THIS? They're at it again.

The Detroit Lions have built a belief system.

Regarding media criticism about his claims, John Kitna "shrugged it off" and said:

"The Bible tells me not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say."

I wonder if he really needed the Bible to know that.

Even nonbelievers say religion has helped to unify a team ripped apart by years of losing. With the Lions unexpectedly at 6-4 facing Green Bay in a crucial game today, they point to Kitna's influence as a factor in their unlikely run at the playoffs.

6-4 is not a good record. 6-5 is even worse, which is what they now are since they lost 26-37 to Green Bay today. Kitna said that Bret Farve -- who had 381 yards passing with three touchdown passes against Detroit today -- is "the greatest ever." Apparently God sucks at football.

"Really, every day in football you're selling a vision," Coach Rod Marinelli says. "Faith is a belief in the unknown and, as a team, that's where we're trying to get."

So, they're trying to get to the unknown?

My brain hurts.

God knows when you masturbate

I love Jewish people!

On an article @ TheGlobeAndMail.com, Shalom Auslander has -- correctly -- described God as an "abusive, belligerent God who awoke millennia ago on the wrong side of the firmament and still hasn't cheered up."

That's cute!

Why don't you just disavow God entirely, I ask Auslander - and just regard religion as a device to comfort and control humankind?

"I do," he allows, "but then I get on a small plane and fly to Toronto and the wings start to shake and I think, 'Here He is, He's coming to get me.' So the book is an attempt to figure out how a person gets this way. I thought I was writing about a unique problem, my own, but having been on tour for a few weeks, it's remarkable the number of people, most non-Jews, who come over to commiserate and say they suffer from the same mindset."

One of the main reasons people can't shake their irrational belief in a non-existent god is because they're afraid? No way.

Would an all-loving deity, even if He wanted to punish you, crash a plane and kill all the other innocent passengers? "I'm not God," Auslander says. "Maybe everyone on that plane also masturbated this morning. I'm sure He's got Excel. He can get all the sinners on that plane. It's just not easy to give up. It plagues me still."

I wish I could give Mr. Auslander a hug! Anyway, great article! I'm also going to have to pick up a copy of Auslander's book, Foreskin's Lament: A Memoir. It should be very entertaining!

Young, hard worker discount?

I was inside a local fast food restaurant -- I know, I know -- today getting lunch to go when I overheard a grumpy, old man ask the clerk at the counter if they gave discounts to senior citizens.

"I'm old. Do I get a discount?" Those were his exact words.

WTF?

Why do people get discounts simply because they're old? I know that everyone has heard of this and it definitely isn't anything new, but have you ever stopped to think about it? What is it about old age that qualifies people for a discount? I work my ass off and get butt-raped by Uncle Sam in my paychecks. I am the one that should be getting a discount when I want some god damn lunch!

Oh really, O'Reilly?

This is the smartest thing that has EVER come out of Bill O'Reilly's mouth!

Quit knocking, Mormons!

Atheists can't be good people?

COMING SOON: Religion vs. Atheism

I started writing a long exposé about the many atrocities throughout recorded history that have taken millions of lives but after much reading and writing, I had an epiphany.

I looked into the brutal histories of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse-Tung, Pol Pot, and others in an attempt to determine which was responsible for the most deaths: religion or atheism. I realized that it was an exercise in futility and that, while theists are partially correct in that societies without religion (such as the communistic atheism of Stalin) probably have the highest tally, the argument that atheism was the cause is most definitely not true!

I'm going to prove it.

Right now, I'm going to bed. This isn't going to be a quick writing job, so STAY TUNED! :-)

Quit praying games with my heart

I don't think I have laughed this hard, EVER.

When all else fails, ask God.

As Georgia descends deeper into drought, Gov. Sonny Perdue has ordered water restrictions, launched a legal battle and asked President Bush for help. On Tuesday, the governor called on a higher power.

He joined lawmakers and ministers on the steps of the state Capitol to pray for rain.

I have nothing but empathy for residents of Georgia. The drought they're in is not a laughing matter. Government officials praying for rain is, though.

Earlier this month, the former Atlantan flew south from his Rockville, Md., home to help organize a prayer vigil and gospel concert for drought relief at the Berean Seventh-Day Adventist Church in Atlanta.

Hundreds showed up. And their prayers were answered. After the service was over, heavy showers came down — on the green fields of Rockville, Md., that is.

Haha! God either got confused or he has a twisted sense of humor.

Nonetheless, said the public relations executive and musician, "I think the governor is on the right track."

On the right track? Hold that thought:

Ask," said Johnson, "and it shall be given."

But if we pray and it doesn't rain, does that mean the answer is no? Not necessarily, said a handful of Atlanta thinkers.

"The answer is at some point it will happen," said Lebow. "Maybe we're just not ready for it yet."

At some point it will rain.

Wow.

Thinkers?

Mormonism vs. Homosexuality

Christian Harrison reads the Book of Mormon while eating breakfast at Carlucci's Bakery in Salt Lake City. Harrison is an active member of the LDS Church and is gay. "I've never considered leaving the church, ever," he said. "The church is true. It's inconvenient, but it's true."

That is a caption under a picture of a man sitting at a table with folded hands reading the Book of Mormon. The picture (and caption) are from an article called "Merging Faith and Self" (I'll post links at the bottom) which appeared in the Sunday, April 29, 2007 issue of the Daily Herald newspaper. The "inconvenience" that Mr. Harrison is referring to is the Mormon church's stance on homosexuals; they completely renounce homosexual marriage and all forms of "homosexual behavior."

The article mainly revolves around a young man named Matt Lulisch who was suspended for participating in a gay rights rally with a local advocacy group. Quoting from the article:

He is one of an unknown number of Mormons live with an internal tug-of-war: their minds tell them they're gay; their church tells them they're wrong. Each deals with the struggle in different ways, from repression of feelings to the abandonment of faith. Few find a comfortable middle ground.

The smart ones abandon their faith. The same church that teaches people that God planned their lives and created them to be who they are is condemning people for exactly that... living their lives and being who they are! Why is it so hard for people to see the problem here?

"I see our living prophet of God tell us that while homosexuality is not part of God's plan, gays should be reached out to with love," said a gay student.

TRANSLATION: "You're sick and an abomination to God, but we love you!"

Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, had this to say:

"Homosexual feelings are controllable," Oaks said. "It's no sin to have inclinations that, if yielded to, would produce behavior that would be a transgression. The sin is in yielding to temptation. Homosexuality ... is not a noun that describes a condition. It's an adjective that describes feelings or behavior."

While homosexuality doesn't exactly follow natural processes (re: reproduction), I absolutely do not understand why anyone could still continue to consider it to be harmful. Speaking from a biological perspective, there are plenty of heterosexual people on this planet to reproduce and (albeit there are some that shouldn't) perpetuate this species of ours, so why does it matter if a small percentage are attracted to members of their own gender and desire to have a life with a same-sex partner?

As far marriage is concerned, there are too many people looking at it in "black & white." You don't marry someone simply because of their sex, you marry someone because you love them and the two of you want to commit your lives to each other! Why does it bother people if two men -- or two women -- love each other and want to get married? I already know the answer to that question, of course: it isn't how God wants it.

Think about how many unfit parents and irresponsible teenagers have children of their own. I'd rather see a child get adopted by a loving, gay couple than a fifth or sixth born to neglectful, abusive, white trash, welfare abusers.

"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them." -- Leviticus 20:13

Oh, and don't forget this one, either:

"And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where [are] the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them. And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him, And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as [is] good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." -- Genesis 19:5-8

What can you learn from those verses, fundies?

1. Homosexuality is "wicked"
2. It's OK to whore out your virgin daughters

The Bible is awesome.

It makes absolutely no sense to think that the all-powerful creator of the universe is concerned with what you're doing with your genitalia, what you enjoy sexually, or who you want to be in a relationship with. Something as ridiculous as this should be the first step for Mormons -- or any religious idiot, for that matter -- towards freedom from lunacy, unfortunately the Bible also tells you to fear God and not think for yourself:

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil." -- Proverbs 3:5-7

The Mormons believe that their president is a living prophet and communes with God in order to communicate revelations and teachings to the church. This is, I believe, is different from the political and moral pressures that the church faced for years which led to a "revelation from God" then they stopped being racist and allowed blacks to have the priesthood in 1978.

While BYU has already slightly altered their stance in that they will no longer expel a student for merely admitting to being homosexual, I do not believe that the church will ever stray from their teaching that "homosexual behavior" is an abomination to God and a sin. The amount of credibility they should (I hope) lose from that (on top of what little they already have) and the shit that would start amongst Mormons would be immense and hilarious. There would be massive problems in the Mormon community were that to happen, and you'd probably see a split: fundamentalists calling the prophet a liar and demanding his ousting and the others would just nod and smile, blindly accepting the new "revelation". The rest of us will just crack open a beer and get out the popcorn.

Read the article HERE.